akameda

“Tat-chan?” Jin asks confusedly as a giddy Ueda shows up in the dressing room that morning.

“Yeees, Jin?~” Ueda replies in a singsong manner.

Akanishi stares wide-eyed at him, not seeming to believe that he is facing another person. “Are… you okay?”

Ueda sits on a chair in front of the big mirror, before turning to look at his band mate with a big flashy smile. “Of course I am, Jin! Why shouldn’t I be?” He answers back, then darts his eyes on the mirror.

Tatsuya is abnormally happy today; too happy, that is. It feels like sparkles and rainbows are surrounding him everywhere. The manager yells at him in the afternoon, and so did the choreographer, but he bows apologetically with a smile. Everyone is gaping at him, thinking that he must be crazy or some sort, but Ueda ignores them. It goes like that the whole day.

Except later that night.

Ueda walks along the corridors with the glee, as if he’s the happiest man in the world. But his smile turns upside down when someone grabs his wrist from behind, along with the so familiar “Tatsuya… Please listen to me.”

Ueda sighs, thinking of whether to listen to Ryo or not. He feels like he’s ready though, and he speaks up without looking at him. “Fine. Talk.”

Nishikido doesn’t let go of his hand, and talks. “I really did love you, Tatsuya. I wasn’t playing. But… It’s just that…” He sighs, and then continues. “There’s something in me that I suddenly lose interest in the people I like. Please understand that I did try to make this last. I’m so sorry. I still want us to be friends though. Please… I don’t know how to make this sound as sincere as it is.”

Ueda feels Ryo’s grasp tighten, and he tries his best not to let Ryo notice that he’s crying. “My ass Nishikido. The fuck, if you knew back then, then you shouldn’t have done those things. I can’t believe I wasted tears just for this.”

“Please forgive me, Tatsuya. I’m really sorry. Please, let’s still friends.” Nishikido replies as he tries to make Ueda face him, pulling his arm sideways. But Tatsuya doesn’t want to.

Ueda wants to be angry at him, punch him, kick him, and pull his guts out of his body. But no, he couldn’t. Instead, he lets his tears fall, and says, “I guess… it’s okay. I can’t do anything about it, right?”

Ryo gently manoeuvres his arm, making Ueda face him. “Tatsuya…”

Ueda looks at him, with eyes full of sorrow and pain. “It’s okay, Ryo. There’s nothing I can do with that.”

Ueda releases himself from Ryo’s grasp as he turns away from him, his life, his only one, his happiness. But every bit of those is the past now. It’s time to move forward…

And he does, away from him.

~

“Saa our special guest tonight’s Shounen Club, Ueda Tatsuya of KAT-TUN!” Koyama yells happily, clapping his hands with the microphone in between.

“Hai domo. Ueda Tatsuya desu.” He says as he walks towards the two hosts, and sits in between them.

“Ueda-kun will sing his new solo for us today, right?” Koyama asks cheerfully.

“Yes yes. It’s entitled Ai no Hana. And he composed it himself!” Maru answers back.

“Okay okay Ueda-kun. Stand by onegaishimasu. Please clap your hands for Ueda Tatsuya!”

Ueda stands there at the centre, swaying to the music as the instrumental plays, each note piercing to his heart. Memories of Nishikido suddenly appear out of nowhere; he wants to shove those away, fearful that he might get distracted as he sings. But no, the song won’t let him though.

“Amaoto itsumo no you ni,

kiite ita namida to…”

"Ne Maru, I love him after all."

”ARUBAMU itsumo no you ni,

nagameteta katasumi de hitori…”

"Ne," Nishikido spoke, "do you remember my group messages?"

Tatsuya looked at him quizzically as he refreshed his mind about the said messages. ‘In my heart, there exists never-changing affection for you. It's all yours. The one-and-only "I love you."’. Is he talking about that? "Yes."

"I was talking about you."

“Mata mienai mirai ni obiete iru,
Dareka dakishimete tada aishite hoshii…”

“You should have told me earlier. Because... I feel the same way.”

“…Really?”

“Yeah. Tee-hee… I love you.”

“I love you, too hime.”

“Ai no kakera wo,
Nigedasanu you ni kudakenu you ni ryoute de dakishime,
Konomama kisetsu ga,

toorisugite mo ano yasashisa wa wasurenai…”

“What made you love me?”

“It’s because the world turned the other way around. I mean, suddenly my heart says that all of those insults meant the opposite.”

“Ne Ryo, I’m going to sleep now. I’m tired.”

“Aw ok. Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you, hime.”

He could feel tears forming in his eyes as another instrumental plays. He clenches the microphone tight, hoping that they won’t fall.

“Sashikomu hikari ni sukoshi,

memai wo oboete…”

“How are you, princess?”

“I’m fine. But, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in Osaka?”

“It’s my day off tomorrow. So I thought I’d go tonight and see you.”

”Watashi wo tsutsumikomu you ni,

yasashiku hanabira ga mau…”

“God, you’re so beautiful, hime.”

“Kono machi no keshiki mo irodori wo kaete,
Adokenai yasashii kaze ga hoho wo naderu…”

“Where are you going?”

“I have to go to work.”

“Can’t you stay?”

“Sora wo miagete,
Ano nani mo nai musuu no kumo ni kokoro ubawarete,
Suzushii hizashi ni,

Terasarete ima sukoshi egao ni nareta ki ga shita…”

“Wait! Jin mentioned it to you, right? The thing about Ryo?”

“You mean that psychological thing Jin was talking about? Yeah.”

“Oh… ok. Please be careful, ne?”

‘Please don’t let that happen…’

“Itsuka futari de aruita sakuramichi de,
Kawaranu omoi to nigirishimeta sono te wa.
Itsumo no egao to itsumo no nukumori,
Nido to toki wa modorenai kara…”

“I really did love you, Tatsuya. I wasn’t playing. But… It’s just that…There’s something in me that I suddenly lose interest in the people I like. Please understand that I did try to make this last. I’m so sorry. I still want us to be friends though. Please… I don’t know how to make this sound as sincere as it is.”

“… I guess… it’s okay. I can’t do anything about it, right?”

He couldn’t help it, and he let his tears roll down his cheeks. It is too painful, too painful to keep it all inside. Ueda loves him, truthfully loves him, but all of those are just wasted.

“Ai no sakura wa,
Kono mune ni chiri keshite nido to wa saku koto wa nai kedo,
Mou ichido itsuka wa ano "michi" wo aruite yuku mata hana wo,
Sakaseru you ni…”

It hurts. It’s too painful to bear…

“Lalalala… Oooh…”

Goodbye, Ryo.

~

A/N: Please don't kick me... D: There's still an epilogue! :D